GANGSTA 101

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GANGSTA 101

Have you ever wanted to be a gangsta (sometimes called a gangster)? Well, we here at FAKENOOZ did, so we will teach you how in 6 easy steps.

1. First, there is dress. To dress like a gangsta, you must have a band-aid on your face, and one pant leg rolled up. All the other stuff is optional (like the poncho from scrod's, true revolting lifestyle (tm), the tattoo reading "I love HORATIO", the rainbow striped socks, the red nail polish, the blue eyeshadow, the hoop earrings and the ostrich print pink cowboy boots [not shown]) Be creative and true to yourself, but remember that our gangsta is better than yours (darn right)

2. Next, you have to know what a gangsta knows. Go to your local library or bookstore and get as many books as you can about gangstas. Our favourite is "Gangstas In A World Of Spiders" by Myrtle Maroon. If you read it, and want to get some money, review the book and e-mail your review to us @ gangsta-reviews@fakenoozpaper.00go.com and we will enter you in a drawing for $5.

3. Now you have to talk like a gangsta. If you want a detailed description of everything a gangsta would say, buy "Talking Like My Hero" by Stony Wall. But we will give you a few basic tips here.
  1. Say 'baby' a lot. But you must say it the right way. You say it like bay-BEH, except really quickly. Say baby at the end of every sentence if you wanna look tough, baby.
  2. Talk either really high, really whiny, or both, baby. But NOT high OR whiny when you say baby. Then you have to talk really low.
  3. When ever you have a word that ends with -tion, say it like cheeeeee-auwn, baby.
  4. Gangstas also use lots of adjectives that have suffixes added to them that may or may not be proper English, but gangstas don't care.
  5. Finally, remember to not answer any queschee-auwns, baby, about your personal life. People will try to stalk you to figure out how you got to be so cool.

4. You also have to move like a gangsta. A gangsta stands and walks very slouched. You either have to drag your feet when you walk, or do the duck walk. We recommend the former, for the latter may attract unwanted attention. You should scratch your nose the special way, as illustrated in the first picture. You should also raise one eyebrow often, for no apparent reason. And you can scratch your eye the special way -make a sign language "x", put your knuckles against your forehead with the back of the finger on your eye (closed of course. If you just tried to scratch your open eye you are really stupid and should drop out of the course and hope you have some other calling) and move your finger back and forward.

5. If you did your homework from Step 2, than you know a lot about the stereotype of a gangsta. That they are tough, cold, and unintelligent. In reality, gangstas are really quite caring, warm and smart. They never punch someone in the nose if that person has no nose. They do not sing obnoxiously in deaf people's ears. Gangstas never steal from someone who has nothing. They are not cold, most of the time their body temperature is 98.6 degrees. And inside, they have a weakness for Shakespeare. We took a poll on which book is a favourite among gangstas. The winning book was Hamlet. Romeo and Juliet got second place, Harry Potter came in third.

6. Next to Shakespeare, a gangstas favourite thing is music. Gangstas end to play an instrument -normally guitar or the kazoo- but they don't have to, so if you suck at reading music, don't worry, you can still be a gangsta. However, to be a gangsta, you MUST love listening to music. Gangstas like everything from happy, cheerful, playful songs like Why Not? by Hillary Duff, I'm A Barbie Girl by Aqua, and Eleanor Rigby by the Beatles to sad, dark, depressing bands like Evanescence, The Flaming Rears, Zpoan Vtenz, and Kate Bush. If you want to be a gangsta, buy some of these Cds and listen to them (gangstas do not listen to records, cassettes, mp3s or ipods. They think they are works of the devil.)

Now that you have taken the course (yes you can get college credits for this course) "Gangstas 101" you can take your gangsta-ness out on the street. If you would like a more in-depth course, that tells you more than just how to dress, talk, walk, think, and listen to music like a gangsta, you can buy the book "Gangstas from Head to Toe" by Myrtle Maroon. That book will tell you all sorts of things, like how to tap-dance like a gangsta, and how to brush your teeth like a gangsta.